She said she's tired of life, well she must be tired of something...

Now Playing: Spoon by Dave Matthews Band

I just got back from Spring Break yesterday. It was basically amazing. I mean, I was skiing in Jackson Hole, Wyoming on one of the biggest mountains in the country. How could it not rock my face off? To top off an awesome break, last night Joe and I went to Milwaukee for the Coldplay concert. It was a blast. We had an awsome time - great seats, great company, amazing show. It was especially great because it allowed me to forget about life for a while, which I really enjoyed doing. In fact, I enjoyed it so much, I plan to continue doing it.

When I am not thinking about my life, I am perfectly happy and fine. When I think about who I am and what I'm doing, I am a wreck. I don't know what to do with myself. Today for example, I just started crying for no reason. Literally, no reason. I couldn't stop it, the tears just streamed down my face and I looked in the mirror and asked myself what was wrong, and I couldn't give an answer. It sucked.

I can only reason that I am more scared than I am allowing myself to believe about moving on into real life. Subconsciously I must be totally messed up. It doesn't make any sense. I am just not happy with where I am. I want to move to Colorado and become a cowgirl. None of this journalist business. I want no part of real life - I want to be a cowgirl/ski bum for a while and make little money and have next to no responsibility. Did I totally burn myself out in the past 4 years? Have I just worn myself totally ragged, and now my mind is revolting against my lifestyle? Can that happen?

In addition to the bizarre feelings of depression, I have been having excessive amounts of nightmares recently. I tend to have nightmares, but typically I know they are just dreams. Lately, they have been so realisitic they're scaring me when I'm awake. Take for example a fatal skin cancer diagnosis. Not something that is fun to think about, especially for someone who has had moles and tissue removed so cancer wouldn't develop. Just a nightmare, yes. But it could become a reality for me anytime.

I'd be lying if I said the possibility of actual depression or bipolar disorder hadn't crossed my mind. I mean, look at Ry - he's bipolar, so is Tina. Dad has been depressed - for sure runs in the family. What are the actual chances I missed the "I'm messed up in the head" gene? I'm going to see someone. I have an appointment with a dude at UHS Counselling in April. Maybe he'll be able to help me. I am also going to see Erica and hopefully get some advice about my career. I am for sure freaking out about graduation and real life. I want no part in it. Ahhhhhhh!