It takes skill to be real, time to heal each other...

Now Playing: The Blackhawks game in the background

So I'm rekindling the blog. Since April, I graduated college with two degrees, I managed the pool at a country club, I spent a summer living in Madison hanging out with the neighbor boys and sitting on their porch every night, I got a real job in sales, I moved to Chicago, I met my random roommates whom I adore, I had a completely mortifying meltdown in front of all the wrong people and at the wrong time, I realized that I need to not have a real job because I'm not ready for it yet, I needed my parents to console me and I decided I'm going to do a triathlon.

I think that basically moves us up to speed. Currently I am trying to find a new job while maintaining my current post - which I loathe. I am also in the process of getting an Australian visa so I can move there next year. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for my trip to Amsterdam that's coming up at the end of the month. I'm working on making myself happy.

It's one of those jobs like Peter has in Office Space except worse. I have to make over 600 cold calls a week. I really feel like every day is worse than the day before. At least I really like the people I work with - except the bosses. They totally suck. There are cute boys in my office, which makes things more fun.

It's funny, before you enter the work force and actually have an office job, you don't realize a few things:
1) How funny the show The Office really is
2) How stupid people really are
3)How much an office environment resembles high school

I mean think about it. When is the last time you had to get up every single day at 7:00 a.m. and go be in the same place with the same people all day? When is the last time you actually had people breathing down your neck to get things done and harassing you about your work? When is the last time there was drama that you had to deal with every day that you could not escape because it was basically your life?

Now, my main question is: What is the policy about an O.R. (office relationship)? There are some guys I work with that I would seriously consider hanging out with on a very regular basis. I guess it actually doesn't really matter all that much, since I'm probably going to quit or get fired before the end of this month. I need a bartending job. That would be ideal for me right now.

I am a little rusty on this whole writing thing... I am going to stop here. Don't worry, I'm going to write soon. I need the practice :)

Falling backwards into oblivion

The past couple of weeks have sucked royally. I can't actually say anything good has happened. The next week is going to suck as well. I just need to make it through the last 5 weeks of school and then I think I'll be good again. I really think it's my two French classes that are making me hate my life. I hate French and I hate French literature even more. If all I did was speak the language, I think that would be fine, but that is not the case.

I have a big French project due this week that is going to kill me. Once that is over with, I'll be doing much better. I would like to be caught up with most everything by the time I go home for Easter. I think I can do it. I need to make a plan of what I'm going to do this week.

There is just so much other stuff going on, I don't even know what to do with myself. I of course have personal drama, and that's annoying, but whatever. I don't even know what to say now, I'm fall back into one of my worst old patterns of behavior, and I can't seem to shake it. We'll see, maybe it will work out differently this time around. I am the biggest masochist I know. It's really bad.

She said she's tired of life, well she must be tired of something...

Now Playing: Spoon by Dave Matthews Band

I just got back from Spring Break yesterday. It was basically amazing. I mean, I was skiing in Jackson Hole, Wyoming on one of the biggest mountains in the country. How could it not rock my face off? To top off an awesome break, last night Joe and I went to Milwaukee for the Coldplay concert. It was a blast. We had an awsome time - great seats, great company, amazing show. It was especially great because it allowed me to forget about life for a while, which I really enjoyed doing. In fact, I enjoyed it so much, I plan to continue doing it.

When I am not thinking about my life, I am perfectly happy and fine. When I think about who I am and what I'm doing, I am a wreck. I don't know what to do with myself. Today for example, I just started crying for no reason. Literally, no reason. I couldn't stop it, the tears just streamed down my face and I looked in the mirror and asked myself what was wrong, and I couldn't give an answer. It sucked.

I can only reason that I am more scared than I am allowing myself to believe about moving on into real life. Subconsciously I must be totally messed up. It doesn't make any sense. I am just not happy with where I am. I want to move to Colorado and become a cowgirl. None of this journalist business. I want no part of real life - I want to be a cowgirl/ski bum for a while and make little money and have next to no responsibility. Did I totally burn myself out in the past 4 years? Have I just worn myself totally ragged, and now my mind is revolting against my lifestyle? Can that happen?

In addition to the bizarre feelings of depression, I have been having excessive amounts of nightmares recently. I tend to have nightmares, but typically I know they are just dreams. Lately, they have been so realisitic they're scaring me when I'm awake. Take for example a fatal skin cancer diagnosis. Not something that is fun to think about, especially for someone who has had moles and tissue removed so cancer wouldn't develop. Just a nightmare, yes. But it could become a reality for me anytime.

I'd be lying if I said the possibility of actual depression or bipolar disorder hadn't crossed my mind. I mean, look at Ry - he's bipolar, so is Tina. Dad has been depressed - for sure runs in the family. What are the actual chances I missed the "I'm messed up in the head" gene? I'm going to see someone. I have an appointment with a dude at UHS Counselling in April. Maybe he'll be able to help me. I am also going to see Erica and hopefully get some advice about my career. I am for sure freaking out about graduation and real life. I want no part in it. Ahhhhhhh!

Blue Eyes

Now Playing: Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta by Geto Boys

So, as per usual, I haven't written for some time now. A lot has happened since January 10th. My internship is going great, my classes are alright, things are basically okay. The meltdown I had a few weeks ago ended up being a little worse than I originally anticipated.

I went to Valpo for Britt's birthday - it was awesome. She had a great time, which is what really matters. Due to extenuating circumstances, I wasn't as chipper as I might have been, but I think I handled things rather well.

This past weekend was really fun. One of my friends, whom I love dearly, was hilarious, we went out, had some fun, danced, whatever. It was good times.

Sometimes life unfolds in curious ways. I was going to type more, but I think I have to leave it at that for now...

This could be the end of everything...

So it's been a while since I posted anything. That's because I still always forget that I have a blog at all. It was easier in France when the blog was a distinct part of each day, now I have too much other stuff to do to worry about it that often.

I have been back in Madison for some time now, and I am loving it without all the students around. I've been working some, hanging out in solitude at my apartment, making and drinking coffee from my new coffee maker, drinking too much (but only twice!), the usual.

You know how sometimes you get really really emotional, and you maybe don't know why? Or you get emotional about one thing when really the emotion is about something entirely different? Okay, well I had a huge meltdown the other night. It was horrible. It was the kind of thing that happens to everyone, but very rarely. It's also the kind of situation where you just need to do it alone - it would be totally mortifying if anyone else, even your best friend or significant other, or anyone was around to see it. Well unfortunately for me, I was not alone and it happened anyway. Granted it was wine- and PMS-induced, but that doesn't matter. It was awful.

Aside from that, everything has been basically okay. I started my internship yesterday. I was not feeling well at all, so that made it kind of tough to be excited about doing anything, but I think I'm going to like it.

Christmas feels like it was an eternity ago. Sometimes I wish I were at home more often. I like going to Fox and Hound and Harrigans and seeing the guys, Jess, Rachel and Britt.

I guess that's about all I have for now - until next time, adios.

0° Feels like -14°

Which is worse, -4 feels like -4 or 0 feels like -14? I think 0 feels like -14 is worse. Even though it's technically warmer at 0 degrees, -14 is 10 more than -4, and that's a lot of degrees difference.

There's this little book that I gave to a friend of mine once - it's called The Little Black Book of Sex. I think everyone should read that book. It's really freaking funny and enjoyable. I just spent some time at Borders looking around and finding books to read over break. I decided upon some classics that just need to be read at some point including 1984 and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. While I was there I sat and read part of the little black book, and it was cracking me up. I loved it. I almost bought a copy of it for myself, but decided better of it. I may change my mind and go back over there tonight.

I am feeling quite anti-social. I am not going home until the 22nd now. I have to stay and get some stuff done for Panhel and Theta. Never a moment's rest in this life. I have sworn off my cell phone for a while. I just don't feel like interacting with anyone.

I don't want to be in public. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to go to the bars, I don't want to study at the library. I just want to be totally by myself and have no one know where I am or what I'm doing. That is what I am attempting for a couple days. We'll see how it goes over. So until then, adieu.

Man Uggs

Ok, so what about Muggs? Are they okay? Are they not okay? This is how I choose to spend my time during finals week - debating the potentially unfortunate possibility of a dude wearing those furry boots around with, God forbid, his pant legs tucked into the tops of them. Hmm, an interesting sight, no? I have not yet had the pleasure of witnessing such a fascinating situation, however I look forward to the day it happens.

So it's 8:30 on Saturday morning and I am sitting at work - not studying, as I should be. Being a senior and all, and working at College Library, I have spent a lot of time in the CMC working on the Macs up there - as I myself do not [yet] have a Mac of my own. In the past 2 years, I have noticed a man. He is an interesting man - older than your typical college student - and Native American. He has files. Loads and loads of files, in manila folders. I am not sure what sort of student he is - law, medical, English? He is an attractive man, short, with dark skin and very very long straight black hair. He wears wire-framed rounded rectangular glasses and he always wears jeans and Nikes. Anyway, he is always in that damn computer lab! There is a Mac I like to sit at, kind of on its own little table, slightly removed from the rest of the computers. He always sits at the one next to it. We know each other, but we don't know each other. Anyway, I just saw the man. He walked into the library right past my desk carrying his manila folders full of who knows what, and up to the CMC he went, to set the folders down, and I bet I know exactly where he put them. Then he came back downstairs without his coat and went back outside. Probably next door to the Union to get some coffee or something.

Well this past week was basically hell for me. From Sunday night to Thursday morning, I got 15 total hours of sleep. I love finals. And by finals, I don't mean exams, because I only have one of those and it's not until Tuesday. I mean papers. Projects. French papers.... French research papers.... Ahhhhhhhh!!!! I knew it was going to be tough, but I didn't know it would make me want to stab myself in the eyes.... Ten pages of French research. Wow.

The pop guys are here. They have loads and loads of pop and juice and lemonade on little carts that they are going to put in the vending machines in the Open Book Cafe. Good to know the machines will be full later when I need some Mountain Dew.

So all I have left to do before I go back to beloved D-town is as follows: Write a 4-6 page French paper analyzing the idea of indentity in "Lettres d'Une Peruvienne" for French 321, Write five 2-4 page esaays answering the questions posed on my J646 take-home final, answer the five questions on my yoga take-home final, and study for my French 347 exam. I am totally done with J335 (sad!) and Golf I. I am planning on taking Golf II over the summer :)

Speaking of golf, for anyone who reads this stupid thing and didn't hear the news: I am officially an Editorial Intern at Wisconsin Golfer Magazine. Woo hoo! Gotta love those internships. I mentioned the brother in my cover letter, and I think Rick Pledl, my new boss, loved it. He also likes that I can make Web sites. Yay.

I think this is officially the longest I've ever written in here, so I am going to stop myself while I still can. I'm sure I'll get distracted again tomorrow and feel the need to write about something equally as ridiculous as the CMC manila folders man.